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and a Big Clue to Overcoming Bullying by Suki Wessling
One year there was a boy in my son's class who was always bugging the other kids. He would break into conversations, touch kids in ways they didn't like, and generally ignore the usual social conventions that kids follow. He was also a very large boy, which affects how people view him.
It occurs to me that in another school, with other teachers and in less controlled situations with other kids, this boy could easily have turned into what we call a bully. He was big, physically intrusive, and unable to listen when other kids told him to back off.
In the school his mother chose for him, however, his behavior was looked at from a whole different angle. Instead of saying, This boy is behaving badly, which is the traditional view, and then applying the traditional punishments, the teachers questioned, Why does he act this way? What does he need? They talked to his mother. They had class meetings. When clashes arose between him and other kids, there was always a caring adult there to mediate.
As the year progressed, the other kids came to understand him more. Instead of getting mad at him, they would gently explain what he'd done that was wrong. And because he wasn't being punished and ostracized for the behavior, he listened to them. By the end of the year, he was integrated into the classroom, and though his behavior still wasn't completely within the range we call "normal," he was able to form good relationships with his classmates.
In a traditional school setting, this is the perfect situation to create what we call a "bully." Here's a boy who is very large. He doesn't understand social cues the way that most kids do in the middle of their elementary school years. He's not a verbally adept child. Other children misunderstand his actions. In a large, chaotic classroom, the teacher probably doesn't have time to notice him, except when he's making trouble. Because she doesn't have a lot of support, every time a kid complains about his behavior she just sends him to the office for discipline. It's likely that not one adult takes responsbility for him and tries to figure out what's at the root of his problems.
On the playground, kids don't want to play with him, and he doesn't understand why. With no adults to mediate, their clashes escalate. As the children try to push him further away, he gets more and more intrusive till his behavior starts to fit the definition of bullying.
His teacher might meet with his mother, but his mother's concerns are dealt with outside of the classroom. The problem is his behavior, the school tells her. What are you going to do about it? The mother is desperate for help, but no one seems to look at it from her point of view. Here's a boy that she loves, who is so sweet and loving and really wants to have friends. But the more he is pushed away by the staff and students, the more upset and angry he gets. Because the point of view is punitive -- what can we do to discourage the behavior? -- instead of therapeutic -- what does he need that he's not getting? -- the problems just increase.
Behaviorally different kids have always existed, and do exist in every society. How the society chooses to deal with them greatly influences whether those behaviors set into an anti-social adult, or whether they are channeled into an emotionally healthy adult. By blaming children for their behavior, rather than trying to figure out what the child is expressing with the behavior, we force the child to protect himself in whatever way he can.
The growing field of Emotional Intelligence is trying to figure out what we need to know in order to become emotionally healthy adults. From Wikipedia: One attempt toward a definition was made by Salovey and Mayer (1990) who defined EI as "the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one's thinking and actions." Just like with any other pursuit -- reading, basketball, knitting, math -- some kids seem to come into the world better equipped than other kids to develop the skill of emotional intelligence. We don't punish kids for having a hard time learning to read - why should we punish them for not getting social cues without being taught?
Read more of Suki's writings right here in her SantaCruzParent Blog
The Recess Queen, by Alexis O'Neill
Events for All Ages!
Weekly Library Events for Kids, Tweens & Teens & Adults! Sundays Mondays
TeensYoung Adult Book Discussion Group Branciforte 3:45-4:45pm Join us to discuss a Young Adult book. Call Branciforte Branch at 420-6330 for this month's title or for more information. Saturdays
Events for You! Fri, 3/27, 7:00 "Greening the Screen", The Mill Gallery, 131 Front St. The Santa Cruz Film Festival Kick-Off "sneak peek" Party and noisy auction, Door $10.
Sat, 3/28, 9am-3pm, Calvary Pre-school Rummage and Bake Sale Check out the first annual Calvary Pre-school Rummage and Bake Sale! We'll be selling gently used furniture, kids stuff, clothing, books, CDs and more, along with tasty baked goods to raise funds to support the pre-school.
Sat, /28, 9:30am, "Mindfulness and Money" is an all-day workshop for women presented by LezCruz, an affiliate of the Diversity Center. Four workshops will help motivate women to take charge of their lives, sharpen their tools to tune up their financial affairs and help them weather the current economic storm.
3/28 & 29, 10am-5pm, Home & Garden Expo, Cocoanut Grove, Adults $3.00 Kids 12 and under free with an adult, Home & Garden Expo, Home & Garden Gifts, Fabulous Door Prizes, The Gardening Stage, The Culinary Stage, The Alternative Living Tweens & Teens3/28, 7:28, Star & Moon Viewing, Santa Cruz Astronomy Club, Bonny Doon Airport, Our emphasis is telescope observing, family participation, and public enjoyment of the wonders of the starry night.
Tweens & TeensSat, 3/28, 2pm, Church Street, Afro Wig Photo Shoot for Guiness World Records Do you own or have an out-of-sight Afro-Wing hiding in the closet? How about a pair of Elvis Presley 70s Mirrored Sun Glasses and Polyester anything? Are you up for setting a new World Record? Then join us for this fantastic, funny, and ultimately silly event. Bring your good humor and all your friends. Slip into something from the 60s, 70s or 80s or not, and put on that Afro-Wig you know you have been wanting to wear. Our goals is to raise enough funds to pay the mortgage for three families, a single mom, single dad and a elderly couple affected by the mortgage crisis. Every little bit helps. Donations optional. 3/28, 6-11pm, Spring Hill Parent Club Auction, The Spring Hill Parent Club will present "Cabaret Volante: an Evening of Music, Magic & Merriment" in the Georgiana Bruce Kirby Ballroom, 425 Encinal St.
3/29, 1:30-4pm, Hoot, Central Library, A showing of the film based on the book by Carl Hiaasen. Soon after moving from Montana to Florida, middle schooler Roy Eberhardt (Logan Lerman) befriends Beatrice (Brie Larson), Mullet Fingers (Cody Linley) and a colony of endangered owls.
Thurs, 3/19, 8pm, Flashback Flix at Cinema 9,Titanic
Activities in the Parks 3/28, 1pm, "Redwood Baby Treks", Big Basin, Hosted by docents: Jerry and Estrella Bibbey, Join us for a relaxed, easygoing hike with your baby in a front or back carrier. Have fun, exercise, get out of your house, and meet other parents who also love the redwoods. As we explore the redwood forest with our progenies, we will learn how the plants of the redwood forest propagate their own "babies." Bring babies in front or back carries only. This is not a stroller friendly trail. Rain cancels.
Sun, 3/29, 1-3pm, Gardening the Native Way, Join Carrie Wagner, Master Gardener, for an afternoon of gleaning tips, ideas, and information about gardening with native plants. This program is open to gardeners ages 12 and up. Quail Hollow Ranch, Felton
Sat & Sun, 3/14 & 15, 11am, Redwood Loop Walk, Big Basin Redwoods,
Sat, 3/21 11am, Wilder Ranch Coast Nature Walks, Wilder Tweens & Teens Sat, 3/21, 12pm, Sempervirens Saunter, Big Basin Tweens & Teens Sun, 3/22, 11am, Living History Demonstrations,Wilder Ranch Sat & Sun, 3/21 & 22, 11am & 2pm, Tours of the Monarch Grove, Natural Bridges, Sat & Sun, 3/22, 1-2pm, Tours of the Mission, SC Mission, Sat & Sun, 3/21 & 22, 10am, Winter Wildflower Walk, Big Basin
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Open House
Teens & Tweens
Your Backyard Bounty
Spring Programs Anna Jean Cummings Park
Jim Booth Gentle encouragement, a lot of little steps, plus high expectations build happy confident swimmers.
Teens & Tweens
Fresh Prep Kitchens Mondays
Better call
Santa Cruz
Call Mike 246.1517
Katie loves Keen dog food! Learn more about this nutritious dog food at thehonestkitchen.com and then stop in at Allpets, the only place in Santa Cruz where you can get it. Say "Hi" to Drs. Ken and Jen, vets, parents and dog overs themselves! 1226 B Soquel Ave. Santa Cruz 425.0925
Bilingual Call to visit! 722-2886 Watsonville
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Why is a Bully a Bully, 
Of course, what I'm suggesting here is not cheap, it can't be done on a computer, and its results can't be boiled down into a score. In other words, it's education.
Fri & Sat, 3/27 & 28 and 4/4 & 5, 
School Corner
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